In September 2019, three days before my 12 week scan appointment, the midwife confirmed that I had had a missed miscarriage. My baby had stopped developing at approximately 7 weeks but my body hadn’t registered the loss.

I was sat down in a room and had to wait for someone to come and tell me our options. I didn’t know what to do so I opted for the surgical option because I was afraid to go through it at home. I would have to wait three days before I could have the surgery and so I was sent home with a leaflet and my grief.

The next day my miscarriage began in earnest and I sat on the toilet crying my heart out while my husband held my hand. He phoned the midwife and we went in to hospital for a scan. We were told it wasn’t over and we went back home. This happened a further twice before the day of my surgery. Once again I was scanned and advised to go ahead with the surgery which I did.

The staff were amazing. I specifically remember the anaesthetist in the theatre, in my memory she is an angel. She held my hand so tenderly and asked about my baby. No one had acknowledged my baby until this point.

The next few days are a blur. I know I took time to physically recover and I took time to be able to talk to anyone other than my family. I wanted to be isolated.

The world hadn’t even known I was pregnant so how did I start to tell them what I’d lost? I went back to work all too soon and it was still a secret from everyone other than my boss. The worst day was when a colleague came in with his brand new baby granddaughter and the crowd congregated right outside my office door. As soon as they left I ran to the toilet and cried. A colleague found me and I told her everything.

Slowly, I began to talk. Each new person I told I felt the load get a little lighter. The amount of men and women who told me they too had experienced miscarriage or baby loss in their lives was astounding. I’d heard the statistics of 1 in 4 but when it’s happening to you, it means nothing. But these real people, sharing their stories, that really helped. I now speak about the baby I lost whenever I can.

I write this now 5 months pregnant with my second little miracle. I read somewhere that pregnancy after loss is like holding your breath for 9 months. Well, that sure is the truth but so far this little one is doing great. I still check my underwear every single day for signs of spotting and I feel a pang of anxiety for every twinge in my abdomen but that is my reality and I know I will be okay.

After my first miscarriage

I am afraid it’s not the cheeriest of posts but I believe that I need to share the below as I am great believer in the power of talking.

Sometimes things aren’t meant to be.

Yesterday, Simon and I lost the baby we were expecting. It went from being the most perfect ending to a fantastic year, to being the most upsetting. Yesterday, everything hurt, physically and emotionally, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t today. Many would say I should have maybe waited before writing it all down but I wanted to give a true representation of the emotions and part of me is hoping it will help with the processing.

We had told a selection of people.

Do I regret telling people before the 12 weeks? No. It has made me talk about it. Not necessarily easy to do but I do think it has helped. Unfortunately, I have close friends who have also been through it and it most definitely helped having them to talk to. It has made me realise just how brave and strong they are too.

Miscarriage is unfortunately more common than many of us realise. So many of the women that I have met through running the classes have experienced it. Up until now I could only say what I thought might help.

I always said that if I were to miscarry then I would want to talk about. From what I have read/heard, miscarriage can be an isolating experience, people often never knowing what you may have been through which can be upsetting for all involved. Feeling as though you need to suffer in silence is not good. As soon as you open up about it, you find that so many others that you know have also experienced it and you never knew, but it now gives you another person to talk to. It’s not an easy topic to talk about but we should. Of course, I wish this hadn’t happened but I now feel like I am in a better position to support anyone else who may go through the same thing.

Of course, how one person deals with it may be different to how another deals with it. I cried, of course I did, and I am sure there will be more tears to come but I am starting to process everything and really believing that everything happens for a reason. My body was telling me, for whatever reason, that this baby wasn’t meant to be. We are so lucky to already have one happy, healthy boy and for that we will always be grateful. My heart really does go out to those who experience a miscarriage time and time again. The emotions involved are incredible. Depending on how you deal with it, you may have to process the grief, sadness, anger, jealousy, guilt. I really do believe that I did nothing wrong, and I would say that I am mainly dealing with the sadness and grief of losing what was to be the final piece in our family puzzle. When the time is right, we will try for another and if it’s not meant to be then we will be content with our 3 piece puzzle.

Right now, we have a wee boy who is excited about a man in red suit visiting and it is perhaps a welcome distraction. Yes, it’s a tough time of year to be dealing with grief, but when is there a right time. It sucks whatever time of year.

I am a tough cookie, we are a strong family unit, and Simon is just the person to make me see beyond the grief and sadness.

Writing things down is easier at the moment, rather than having to actually talk. Each time I have received a message of support, I have just cried. I really am so lucky to be surrounded by the most wonderful people who I know will make the next wee while that little bit easier and for that I am extremely grateful.

For now, it’s time to put my feet up, get a selection of Christmas movies ready and appreciate everything that we already have.

And remember…it’s good to talk, you are not alone.

After my second miscarriage

I am a great believer in the power of talking and I like to think I’m a very open and honest person, who gives a true reflection of the ups and downs of mum life. Yet, recently I haven’t perhaps been following my own advice.

Unfortunately at the beginning of April, I suffered a miscarriage. My second one in 6 months. The emotions felt different to the first time round, I thought I was dealing with it better because I knew what to expect, I knew that with time it would get easier so I ploughed on or more likely, I just buried my head in the sand. I posted it on social media but soon took it back down, I’m not sure why, perhaps the current lockdown situation had something to do with it. I genuinely am so grateful for what I have and somewhere in my head I was worried that people would see it as me complaining.

But in all honesty, it has been tough. Going to the scan and back and for the hospital for tests on my own was hard. I’m not as tough as I seem! My standard response to most people was I’m fine, it’s rubbish but I’m fine. As the days went on, and when I look back, the sadness and all the other emotions anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt were building. But I just carried on, in my mind the most important thing to me was to keep all my mums moving. Yes I was just running away from the real issue. In the end I was forced to rest when I came down with shingles.

During that week I reduced my work timetable, reduced the intensity of exercise, but the best thing I did was talk to a friend – I literally got everything out. The following day I felt so much better and each day is getting easier and I feel like I’m returning to my old self, both physically and mentally.

We’ve been told we were more than likely unlucky but I’m anxious to try again, time will tell. I’m still sad, the minute you read that positive result you start thinking about the future but it wasn’t meant to be. Whatever your worry, I do believe it is best to talk. My inbox is always open. To anyone who has suffered a miscarriage, it does get easier, but it’s also ok to be sad,angry, frustrated and jealous. To those of you who have listened to me, thank you 

My current pregnancy after loss

I have openly spoken about my recent miscarriages in the hope that it would help at least one other mum and it would help my personal healing process. But what happens if/when you fall pregnant again?

Miscarriage can steal the excitement away from a pregnancy. When I read the positive result this time, my immediate reaction wasn’t joy but fear. I felt no happiness and I feel so sad writing that now. The immediate weeks after were draining, the constant worry, noticing every little pain, and knowing that I had little control over what was going on. I am made of tough stuff, but I would have found it difficult to go through another loss. Although I was pregnant myself, I still felt pangs of jealousy towards those who were posting their 12 week scan pictures or seeing new born babies. Of course I was delighted for those people, but it doesn’t necessarily make seeing it easy. As the weeks went by, nausea kicked in, which although tough, was reassuring and I focused on it being a positive. Due to my increased anxiety, the minute I didn’t feel sick, I panicked. The second guessing was exhausting and spoilt the excitement I should be feeling. The 12 week scan today has given some reassurance and it felt strange hearing someone say congratulations for the first time as we hadn’t really allowed anyone to say that up until this point.

I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family, that I decided to open up early on about the news so that I knew I had people to talk to and didn’t have to carry all of the anxiety on my own. I am not sure how I would have managed if I hadn’t done this and would urge anyone going through the same to open up to people you know well and trust.

Part of my job is to promote an active pregnancy so I will post my pregnancy ‘journey’ on social media but it will be strictly work related. I will share my personal journey with my friends and family but I appreciate how difficult it is to see other people’s personal posts when you’re trying to conceive or experiencing pregnancy loss.

For anyone who is going through something similar or would like someone to talk to please do not hesitate to reach out.

Baby Parson #2 due March 2020.

In September 2019, three days before my 12 week scan appointment, the midwife confirmed that I had had a missed miscarriage. My baby had stopped developing at approximately 7 weeks but my body hadn’t registered the loss.

I was sat down in a room and had to wait for someone to come and tell me our options. I didn’t know what to do so I opted for the surgical option because I was afraid to go through it at home. I would have to wait three days before I could have the surgery and so I was sent home with a leaflet and my grief.The next day my miscarriage began in earnest and I sat on the toilet crying my heart out while my husband held my hand. He phoned the midwife and we went in to hospital for a scan. We were told it wasn’t over and we went back home. This happened a further twice before the day of my surgery. Once again I was scanned and advised to go ahead with the surgery which I did.

The staff were amazing. I specifically remember the anaesthetist in the theatre, in my memory she is an angel. She held my hand so tenderly and asked about my baby. No one had acknowledged my baby until this point.

The next few days are a blur. I know I took time to physically recover and I took time to be able to talk to anyone other than my family. I wanted to be isolated. The world hadn’t even known I was pregnant so how did I start to tell them what I’d lost?

I went back to work all too soon and it was still a secret from everyone other than my boss. The worst day was when a colleague came in with his brand new baby granddaughter and the crowd congregated right outside my office door. As soon as they left I ran to the toilet and cried. A colleague found me and I told her everything.

Slowly, I began to talk. Each new person I told I felt the load get a little lighter. The amount of men and women who told me they too had experienced miscarriage or baby loss in their lives was astounding. I’d heard the statistics of 1 in 4 but when it’s happening to you, it means nothing. But these real people, sharing their stories, that really helped.

I now speak about the baby I lost whenever I can.

I write this now 5 months pregnant with my second little miracle. I read somewhere that pregnancy after loss is like holding your breath for 9 months. Well, that sure is the truth but so far this little one is doing great. I still check my underwear every single day for signs of spotting and I feel a pang of anxiety for every twinge in my abdomen but that is my reality and I know I will be okay.

– Fiona Macleod