Your Stories

 

My Miscarriage Story

Anonymous May 28, 2021

When I fell pregnant for the first time in January 2021, I had never felt so excited. After trying to conceive for over a year, it felt like we’d waited a lifetime for it, and we were so ready. Having taken a while to pregnant, I decided to book a private 8-week scan, just to make sure everything was okay.

We headed along to the appointment, anxious but excited to see our little baby but within a few minutes, it was clear something wasn’t right. The sonographer explained that the baby was measuring at six weeks, not eight, and there was no heartbeat. I can’t begin to explain the confusion, panic and grief that immediately hit us.

We were referred straight to Aberdeen Maternity Hospital where we had an internal scan which just confirmed what the sonographer had already told us. We were told to go home and booked in for re-scan ten days later to see if the baby had grown. The next few days were a blur. I went from feeling hopeful one moment to absolutely crushed the next.

Three days after the scan I started to spot and six days later, when I should have been nine weeks pregnant, I naturally miscarried. Naively, I had always thought miscarriage would just feel like a period, but the pain was agony. After bleeding heavily for hours, I phoned the maternity ward and was asked to head straight there so they could help with the bleeding. I’ll never remember how lovely the midwives and nursing staff were. They made such a traumatic experience as calming as possible.

I remember as we left, meekly saying to the midwife, “I’ve miscarried, haven’t I?” but they wouldn’t confirm anything until we had a re-scan. The days after merged into one as I lay on the sofa with a hot water bottle permanently attached to my stomach. It sounds silly given the baby was the size of a pea, but I felt empty. Physically and emotionally empty.

We were lucky to have such an amazing support network around us, and our close family and friends couldn’t have been more there for us. But I still struggled. I reached out to MISS and was pointed in the direction of a counselling service. I’ve now been seeing my counsellor every few weeks and I didn’t realise until I started talking just how much I needed to speak to someone who had an outside perspective.

I’ve been fairly open about my experience with friends, family and colleagues. One of the biggest struggles that I had after losing the baby was how isolating it felt. I didn’t know anyone that had experienced anything similar so I feel quite strongly about making miscarriage a normal discussion and not taboo.

It’s been almost four months and I still think about our baby every day. As painful as it is, I know things will keep getting easier. For anyone going through a similar experience, my only advise is to talk. Talk to a friend, a family member, a counsellor, anyone. It will surprise how much lighter you feel.

My Miscarriage Story

Nikola Will May 12, 2021

I miscarried around about 9 weeks in March 2012. I was offered no support by the hospital other than bloods to be taken every couple of days to make sure that my HCG levels were dropping. I left the hospital distraught along with my husband. Not once  were we ask if we needed any support, nor were we given the opportunity to ask questions.

I felt it was my fault I had done something wrong. Couldn’t understand why other people like drug users etc were able to carry a baby but I couldn’t. The following morning after very little sleep I asked my husband to leave me as I felt I couldn’t give him what he wanted and that was a family of his own.

We went on and had a healthy pregnancy after the miscarriage but felt I was walking on egg shells the whole way through my pregnancy. I was just waiting for something to go wrong. Every scan I attend I was nervous and scared that we would lose this baby as well. Thankfully we didn’t and we have a lovely little girl who one day will know how special she is to both us. She knows she has a big brother/sister in heaven.

It was through facebook I came upon MISS. They have  been a source of great support to me, even thou my miscarriage was before they were founded. To this day I still grief for the baby we lost and to be honest probably haven’t yet to come to terms with it.

My Miscarriage Story

Secondary infertility April 28, 2021, Lauren

In June 2019 I found out I was pregnant with our surprise baby, due to baby being a surprise I booked an early scan for what I assumed was around 7 weeks. At the scan they saw two healthy babies to my surprise, unfortunately two weeks later it was discovered only one baby had a heartbeat and that the other had passed. Fast forward to 29th February 2020 I had a beautiful baby boy called “Lachlan-John”. When the midwife came to do the post-natal checks and asked about birth control I just laughed and said id be having one hundred babies if I could.

Then in July 2020 I got my first positive, my clear blue test said 1-2 weeks and first response I got two pink lines! Then a week or so later I started bleeding and I called the GP who said it must have been “false Positives”. That was the end of that.

Again in September the same thing happened. I was told they were “False positives”.

Now in November 2020 I got more positives, this time I booked an appointment with the midwife and was all set for this pregnancy after about 16 pregnancy tests. I kept it quiet over Christmas but told a few close friends and family who were thrilled. Sadly at 8 weeks pregnant on the evening of the 27th of December I started bleeding. I went into the Early pregnancy unit at AMH who confirmed I was having a miscarriage. Seeing our sweet baby with no heartbeat was awful and due to my husband working I was there alone. I decided just to miscarry naturally at home. The cramps/ contractions started and we had our little Baby Robin at home. After this we decided to put a hold on trying, as it was all a lot to take in.

Then February rolls around and two weeks before my baby boys birthday: Two pink lines. Here we go again. This time felt different, I was slightly sick, my boobs had grown, I was exhausted all day and I was very grumpy. Then at work one evening at 7 weeks I had started to bleed, I knew it. After phoning the EPU I was booked in for a scan 5 days later. The longest 5 days of my life. We arrived at our scan very nervous but on the screen was the cutest little blob and its heart was fluttering away! I cried and my husband was thrilled, all that worry for nothing. The “bump” started to appear at 9/10 weeks and I was struggling to hide the pregnancy. We then told a few more close friends we were expecting baby number 2.

At 12 weeks pregnant I had the scan we were looking forward to: we could finally announce. After having a scan with Lachlan I knew what 12 week babies looked like on a scan but what I saw on the screen was not a 12 week baby. It was still. No movement. I could see its head, arms and legs but nothing moving. We were going through a missed miscarriage. We went through again to the EPU to discuss options.

I picked to go through the D&C route as passing the baby at home was quite traumatic for my husband and I. We also decided to send our baby away for genetic testing and to get baby cremated. Baby Poppy. The staff in Rubislaw couldn’t have been nicer, I was booked in for the Wednesday but I was unfortunately cancelled and rescheduled for the Thursday. In theatre they were all fantastic, before I went off to sleep I had a good crying. Coming into a maternity hospital pregnant and walking away not being pregnant and without a baby is the most awful thing I will ever experience. However I got to carry that baby for 12 weeks, I gave it so much love and a cosy home. Our little babies will all be together. MISS have been a great support and I enjoyed reading other women’s stories knowing that you aren’t alone. I was told by my midwife that there is no such thing as several false positives and that i had early miscarriages.

Lauren x

Testimonial – Anonymous

April 28, 2021

I miscarried my 3rd baby in September 2020. I had to have surgery and the day after for weeks I was a mess. Not only full of grief but dealing with postpartum, panic attacks and flashbacks to other traumatic experiences (birth trauma, sexual assault) all while trying to look after two small children. To make things worse because of covid-19 I could have little to no contact with anyone outside of my household and no help with my daughters other than my husband when he was home from work. It all came to a breaking point. 

At a very low point my friend told me about MISS and how they helped her. I reached out and it was the best decision I could have made. Almost immediately I received a message back from Abi at MISS and was invited on an informal support zoom call. I was very nervous but was made to feel very comfortable speaking to other women who had experienced miscarriage as well as the volunteers at MISS. Since then I have received help via zoom calls but mostly through text messaging and phone calls with Abi Clarke at MISS. On my down days (which has been a lot) I have reached out and the same day I have received a phone call. MISS have helped me through my darkest time and continue to help me through grieving and recovery now 3 months on from my miscarriage. On top of the over the phone support and group zoom calls, I have been sent a support pack, gift for baby loss month, a Christmas decoration to remember my lost baby and support offered to my Husband also. They have given me advice when I have needed it, put me in touch with counselling organisations, let me cry and laugh on the call and most of all listened to me. I felt very alone and not heard at the beginning so being listened to was so important. I can honestly say I may not have got to the end of this year without the support of MISS (especially the wonderful founder Abi Clarke) and I will be forever grateful for the life-saving support I have received. Covid may have meant no face-to-face or physical contact but that has not stopped MISS from touching my heart and saving my life. Words can only begin to describe how thankful I am. 

Secondary infertility

April 2021, Lauren

MISS have helped me by saying it is ok to talk about my experience and that I’m not alone.

After losing baby at 13 weeks and having some horrible complications afterwards in July 2014.

I have only just learned to talk about it. I didn’t have any information about going forward and dealing with it once things had been done and I have been struggling with it for a while.

My Miscarriage Story

Anonymous 

In September 2019, three days before my 12 week scan appointment, the midwife confirmed that I had had a missed miscarriage. My baby had stopped developing at approximately 7 weeks but my body hadn’t registered the loss.

I was sat down in a room and had to wait for someone to come and tell me our options. I didn’t know what to do so I opted for the surgical option because I was afraid to go through it at home. I would have to wait three days before I could have the surgery and so I was sent home with a leaflet and my grief.

The next day my miscarriage began in earnest and I sat on the toilet crying my heart out while my husband held my hand. He phoned the midwife and we went in to hospital for a scan. We were told it wasn’t over and we went back home. This happened a further twice before the day of my surgery. Once again I was scanned and advised to go ahead with the surgery which I did.

The staff were amazing. I specifically remember the anaesthetist in the theatre, in my memory she is an angel. She held my hand so tenderly and asked about my baby. No one had acknowledged my baby until this point.

The next few days are a blur. I know I took time to physically recover and I took time to be able to talk to anyone other than my family. I wanted to be isolated.

The world hadn’t even known I was pregnant so how did I start to tell them what I’d lost? I went back to work all too soon and it was still a secret from everyone other than my boss. The worst day was when a colleague came in with his brand new baby granddaughter and the crowd congregated right outside my office door. As soon as they left I ran to the toilet and cried. A colleague found me and I told her everything.

Slowly, I began to talk. Each new person I told I felt the load get a little lighter. The amount of men and women who told me they too had experienced miscarriage or baby loss in their lives was astounding. I’d heard the statistics of 1 in 4 but when it’s happening to you, it means nothing. But these real people, sharing their stories, that really helped. I now speak about the baby I lost whenever I can.

I write this now 5 months pregnant with my second little miracle. I read somewhere that pregnancy after loss is like holding your breath for 9 months. Well, that sure is the truth but so far this little one is doing great. I still check my underwear every single day for signs of spotting and I feel a pang of anxiety for every twinge in my abdomen but that is my reality and I know I will be okay.

My Story: baby Parson

September 7, 2020

After my first miscarriage

I am afraid it’s not the cheeriest of posts but I believe that I need to share the below as I am great believer in the power of talking.

Sometimes things aren’t meant to be.

Yesterday, Simon and I lost the baby we were expecting. It went from being the most perfect ending to a fantastic year, to being the most upsetting. Yesterday, everything hurt, physically and emotionally, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t today. Many would say I should have maybe waited before writing it all down but I wanted to give a true representation of the emotions and part of me is hoping it will help with the processing.

We had told a selection of people.

Do I regret telling people before the 12 weeks? No. It has made me talk about it. Not necessarily easy to do but I do think it has helped. Unfortunately, I have close friends who have also been through it and it most definitely helped having them to talk to. It has made me realise just how brave and strong they are too.

Miscarriage is unfortunately more common than many of us realise. So many of the women that I have met through running the classes have experienced it. Up until now I could only say what I thought might help.

I always said that if I were to miscarry then I would want to talk about. From what I have read/heard, miscarriage can be an isolating experience, people often never knowing what you may have been through which can be upsetting for all involved. Feeling as though you need to suffer in silence is not good. As soon as you open up about it, you find that so many others that you know have also experienced it and you never knew, but it now gives you another person to talk to. It’s not an easy topic to talk about but we should. Of course, I wish this hadn’t happened but I now feel like I am in a better position to support anyone else who may go through the same thing.

Of course, how one person deals with it may be different to how another deals with it. I cried, of course I did, and I am sure there will be more tears to come but I am starting to process everything and really believing that everything happens for a reason. My body was telling me, for whatever reason, that this baby wasn’t meant to be. We are so lucky to already have one happy, healthy boy and for that we will always be grateful. My heart really does go out to those who experience a miscarriage time and time again. The emotions involved are incredible. Depending on how you deal with it, you may have to process the grief, sadness, anger, jealousy, guilt. I really do believe that I did nothing wrong, and I would say that I am mainly dealing with the sadness and grief of losing what was to be the final piece in our family puzzle. When the time is right, we will try for another and if it’s not meant to be then we will be content with our 3 piece puzzle.

Right now, we have a wee boy who is excited about a man in red suit visiting and it is perhaps a welcome distraction. Yes, it’s a tough time of year to be dealing with grief, but when is there a right time. It sucks whatever time of year.

I am a tough cookie, we are a strong family unit, and Simon is just the person to make me see beyond the grief and sadness.

Writing things down is easier at the moment, rather than having to actually talk. Each time I have received a message of support, I have just cried. I really am so lucky to be surrounded by the most wonderful people who I know will make the next wee while that little bit easier and for that I am extremely grateful.

For now, it’s time to put my feet up, get a selection of Christmas movies ready and appreciate everything that we already have.

And remember…it’s good to talk, you are not alone.

After my second miscarriage

I am a great believer in the power of talking and I like to think I’m a very open and honest person, who gives a true reflection of the ups and downs of mum life. Yet, recently I haven’t perhaps been following my own advice.

Unfortunately at the beginning of April, I suffered a miscarriage. My second one in 6 months. The emotions felt different to the first time round, I thought I was dealing with it better because I knew what to expect, I knew that with time it would get easier so I ploughed on or more likely, I just buried my head in the sand. I posted it on social media but soon took it back down, I’m not sure why, perhaps the current lockdown situation had something to do with it. I genuinely am so grateful for what I have and somewhere in my head I was worried that people would see it as me complaining.

But in all honesty, it has been tough. Going to the scan and back and for the hospital for tests on my own was hard. I’m not as tough as I seem! My standard response to most people was I’m fine, it’s rubbish but I’m fine. As the days went on, and when I look back, the sadness and all the other emotions anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt were building. But I just carried on, in my mind the most important thing to me was to keep all my mums moving. Yes I was just running away from the real issue. In the end I was forced to rest when I came down with shingles.

During that week I reduced my work timetable, reduced the intensity of exercise, but the best thing I did was talk to a friend – I literally got everything out. The following day I felt so much better and each day is getting easier and I feel like I’m returning to my old self, both physically and mentally.

We’ve been told we were more than likely unlucky but I’m anxious to try again, time will tell. I’m still sad, the minute you read that positive result you start thinking about the future but it wasn’t meant to be. Whatever your worry, I do believe it is best to talk. My inbox is always open. To anyone who has suffered a miscarriage, it does get easier, but it’s also ok to be sad,angry, frustrated and jealous. To those of you who have listened to me, thank you ❤️

My current pregnancy after loss

I have openly spoken about my recent miscarriages in the hope that it would help at least one other mum and it would help my personal healing process. But what happens if/when you fall pregnant again?

Miscarriage can steal the excitement away from a pregnancy. When I read the positive result this time, my immediate reaction wasn’t joy but fear. I felt no happiness and I feel so sad writing that now. The immediate weeks after were draining, the constant worry, noticing every little pain, and knowing that I had little control over what was going on. I am made of tough stuff, but I would have found it difficult to go through another loss. Although I was pregnant myself, I still felt pangs of jealousy towards those who were posting their 12 week scan pictures or seeing new born babies. Of course I was delighted for those people, but it doesn’t necessarily make seeing it easy. As the weeks went by, nausea kicked in, which although tough, was reassuring and I focused on it being a positive. Due to my increased anxiety, the minute I didn’t feel sick, I panicked. The second guessing was exhausting and spoilt the excitement I should be feeling. The 12 week scan today has given some reassurance and it felt strange hearing someone say congratulations for the first time as we hadn’t really allowed anyone to say that up until this point.

I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family, that I decided to open up early on about the news so that I knew I had people to talk to and didn’t have to carry all of the anxiety on my own. I am not sure how I would have managed if I hadn’t done this and would urge anyone going through the same to open up to people you know well and trust.

Part of my job is to promote an active pregnancy so I will post my pregnancy ‘journey’ on social media but it will be strictly work related. I will share my personal journey with my friends and family but I appreciate how difficult it is to see other people’s personal posts when you’re trying to conceive or experiencing pregnancy loss.

For anyone who is going through something similar or would like someone to talk to please do not hesitate to reach out.

Baby Parson #2 due March 2020.

My Story by Laura Jane

January 11, 2021

I miscarried my 3rd baby in September 2020. I had to have surgery and the day after for weeks I was a mess. Not only full of grief but dealing with postpartum, panic attacks and flashbacks to other traumatic experiences (birth trauma, sexual assault) all while trying to look after two small children. To make things worse because of covid-19 I could have little to no contact with anyone outside of my household and no help with my daughters other than my husband when he was home from work. It all came to a breaking point.

At a very low point my friend told me about MISS and how they helped her. I reached out and it was the best decision I could have made. Almost immediately I received a message back from Abi at MISS and was invited on an informal support zoom call. I was very nervous but was made to feel very comfortable speaking to other women who had experienced miscarriage as well as the volunteers at MISS. Since then I have received help via zoom calls but mostly through text messaging and phone calls with Abi Clarke at MISS. On my down days (which has been a lot) I have reached out and the same day I have received a phone call. MISS have helped me through my darkest time and continue to help me through grieving and recovery now 3 months on from my miscarriage.

On top of the over the phone support and group zoom calls, I have been sent a support pack, gift for baby loss month, a Christmas decoration to remember my lost baby and support offered to my Husband also. They have given me advice when I have needed it, put me in touch with counselling organisations, let me cry and laugh on the call and most of all listened to me. I felt very alone and not heard at the beginning so being listened to was so important.

I can honestly say I may not have got to the end of this year without the support of MISS (especially the wonderful founder Abi Clarke) and I will be forever grateful for the life-saving support I have received. Covid may have meant no face-to-face or physical contact but that has not stopped MISS from touching my heart and saving my life. Words can only begin to describe how thankful I am. 

– By LauraJane Bethune 

My Story by Fiona

 January 11, 2021

In September 2019, three days before my 12 week scan appointment, the midwife confirmed that I had had a missed miscarriage. My baby had stopped developing at approximately 7 weeks but my body hadn’t registered the loss.

I was sat down in a room and had to wait for someone to come and tell me our options. I didn’t know what to do so I opted for the surgical option because I was afraid to go through it at home. I would have to wait three days before I could have the surgery and so I was sent home with a leaflet and my grief.The next day my miscarriage began in earnest and I sat on the toilet crying my heart out while my husband held my hand. He phoned the midwife and we went in to hospital for a scan. We were told it wasn’t over and we went back home. This happened a further twice before the day of my surgery. Once again I was scanned and advised to go ahead with the surgery which I did.

The staff were amazing. I specifically remember the anaesthetist in the theatre, in my memory she is an angel. She held my hand so tenderly and asked about my baby. No one had acknowledged my baby until this point.

The next few days are a blur. I know I took time to physically recover and I took time to be able to talk to anyone other than my family. I wanted to be isolated. The world hadn’t even known I was pregnant so how did I start to tell them what I’d lost?

I went back to work all too soon and it was still a secret from everyone other than my boss. The worst day was when a colleague came in with his brand new baby granddaughter and the crowd congregated right outside my office door. As soon as they left I ran to the toilet and cried. A colleague found me and I told her everything.

Slowly, I began to talk. Each new person I told I felt the load get a little lighter. The amount of men and women who told me they too had experienced miscarriage or baby loss in their lives was astounding. I’d heard the statistics of 1 in 4 but when it’s happening to you, it means nothing. But these real people, sharing their stories, that really helped.

I now speak about the baby I lost whenever I can.

I write this now 5 months pregnant with my second little miracle. I read somewhere that pregnancy after loss is like holding your breath for 9 months. Well, that sure is the truth but so far this little one is doing great. I still check my underwear every single day for signs of spotting and I feel a pang of anxiety for every twinge in my abdomen but that is my reality and I know I will be okay.

– Fiona Macleod

My Story by Fiona

 January 11, 2021

In September 2019, three days before my 12 week scan appointment, the midwife confirmed that I had had a missed miscarriage. My baby had stopped developing at approximately 7 weeks but my body hadn’t registered the loss.

I was sat down in a room and had to wait for someone to come and tell me our options. I didn’t know what to do so I opted for the surgical option because I was afraid to go through it at home. I would have to wait three days before I could have the surgery and so I was sent home with a leaflet and my grief.The next day my miscarriage began in earnest and I sat on the toilet crying my heart out while my husband held my hand. He phoned the midwife and we went in to hospital for a scan. We were told it wasn’t over and we went back home. This happened a further twice before the day of my surgery. Once again I was scanned and advised to go ahead with the surgery which I did.

The staff were amazing. I specifically remember the anaesthetist in the theatre, in my memory she is an angel. She held my hand so tenderly and asked about my baby. No one had acknowledged my baby until this point.

The next few days are a blur. I know I took time to physically recover and I took time to be able to talk to anyone other than my family. I wanted to be isolated. The world hadn’t even known I was pregnant so how did I start to tell them what I’d lost?

I went back to work all too soon and it was still a secret from everyone other than my boss. The worst day was when a colleague came in with his brand new baby granddaughter and the crowd congregated right outside my office door. As soon as they left I ran to the toilet and cried. A colleague found me and I told her everything.

Slowly, I began to talk. Each new person I told I felt the load get a little lighter. The amount of men and women who told me they too had experienced miscarriage or baby loss in their lives was astounding. I’d heard the statistics of 1 in 4 but when it’s happening to you, it means nothing. But these real people, sharing their stories, that really helped.

I now speak about the baby I lost whenever I can.

I write this now 5 months pregnant with my second little miracle. I read somewhere that pregnancy after loss is like holding your breath for 9 months. Well, that sure is the truth but so far this little one is doing great. I still check my underwear every single day for signs of spotting and I feel a pang of anxiety for every twinge in my abdomen but that is my reality and I know I will be okay.

– Fiona Macleod

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Balmoral Hub Balmoral Business Park Wellington Circle Altens Aberdeen AB12 3JG

Telephone: 07597 584258

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